Expectation, perfection and disappointment

Have you ever felt disappointed? Well, everybody has. The next question is: how disappointed have you ever felt?

Everyone has their own disappointments. One might felt disappointed for being bullied in school. Some might felt so for not finding a certain brand of cigarette in a store. The others might felt it for being deceived by their lover. Maybe, some might even felt so if their calls are not being picked or returned.

He might feel that he’s just some kook. She might think that she’s doomed to be unlucky. The others might consider that, for certain times, they’ve been lied. Even more, some might felt that they’re nobody. The level of each disappointment is different from everyone’s point of view.

Each disappointment has its own effect. One can runaway and change his or her self. Some might move on, others might even kill themselves.

Here’s what disappointment is to me. First, I had a good life. I used to always run home and cry to my mom.  By saying cry, I meant, tell her everything that had been going on in my life. No matter it’s a big deal or just a crap. She’d always listen, smile and say wise words. Cliché, but true. Well, every life has it ends, rite? One must die, someday. So she did. She died. I was disappointed. The world turned upside down. Suddenly, everything is on my own. I’ve no shoulder to cry on. Few years gone by, I learnt to live alone, talk to my self, get angry to the mirror and cry alone.

I share only the happy feelings with others. As for the bad parts, I shared them when it’s over. I hate to burden anyone. I believe that sharing my problems could someday turn to them expecting me to be there when they needed a shoulder to cry on. I would if I could. Problem is, I’m not always available. The so-called lesson of life from my mom’s death and my life after that was not to expect anything on anyone; I’ve got to be on my own. So I did it. I tried to life on no expectations to anyone. Things got much better, latter. Nothing disappoints me easily.

I believed that ‘no-expectations-life’ was the best way of living. The only one I can depend on was me. Up to one moment, I realized that having zero expectation on everyone is not literally happening. When I set ‘zero’ on my expectation conscious, at some level there’s a conscious that set’s a different form of expectation; whoever I’m dealing with should have no expectations on me too. Now is that moment. Just when I started to believe that having no expectations was the best way of living.

Maybe it’s because I also believed in the sayings ‘don’t bite if you don’t want to be bitten’. When I set ‘zero’, I have a certain conscious that wants the other party I’m dealing with to set ‘zero’ too. I want them to have the same conscious as me, even worse; I sometimes believe that they have it.

The malfunction of my ‘no-expectations-life’ got clear when one day some other party says that they won’t go on. They said that they don’t think I could carry on living with them being what they are. Gee?! I have no expectations on them; I just want to be with them. And as far as I know, we once talked about it. They agreed on only being with me, without any plans and promises on future. In other words, they agreed on living our life in no expectations. It sort of proofed that having ‘zero’ on my expectation conscious, means that I made myself believe that the other party I’m dealing with have the same level on expectations; my level, ‘zero’.

Now, I do believe that nothing’s perfect. But if nothing is, why do we have the concept of perfection? I am disappointed that the other party left me for being themselves. I accepted them because they are what they are.

Furthermore, I am disappointed on my own beliefs. Why do I believe that lying is a sin, when everybody lies for their own good? Why do I believe on not biting so I wont be bitten, when everybody bites everybody’s ass to get what they want? Why do I believe that when I have no expectations, other should have none on me too, when they always have had it? Worse, why do I believe I have no expectations, when it turned out that I expected others to have the same ‘no-expectations’ on me too?

One thing I’ve always known and will always believe; it is better to keep myself alone, unsociable and faraway from everyone, than to live life up to their expectations on me. There are only two expectations I’d live on, my dad’s and my sisters!

Yet, I am now still sad and disappointed. Well, I am still just a girl trying to live in the real world.

About Grace Samboh

Believes in unicorn, conviviality and the struggle towards collective subjectivities—even temporarily.
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